My therapy group (for people who have had gastric surgery - bypass, sleeve, band, etc - and who struggle with binge eating disorder) was cancelled this week. I was kind of disappointed because I was actually excited to share some things I have learned about myself recently.
It has been sort of a process for me to be as open as I need to be with them. I clearly don't have a problem sharing (if this blog is any indication). I don't really care what people think of me because I am the only person who has to live my life. But it is another story entirely to attempt to verbalize your feelings out loud, in person, with strangers, face to face. Work in progress, I guess.
I truly appreciate their willingness to be authentic within the group. Their honesty shocks me sometimes. Not because I wouldn't be able to share something similar (or that I don't have a similar story a lot of the time), but because in the past I have not experienced other people being as open as I typically am. I appreciate that they are putting themselves out there because it is kind of required for the group to be successful, but also because I don't feel like most people do that in their lives.
I think this is also why I don't have many true friends. I don't want to talk about the weather or the latest celebrity news. I want to know what you think about aliens, or ghosts, or the meaning of life (outside of organized religion). I want to know why you think some people are afraid of science. I want to know why you tick the way you do. Why do you make the choices you make? What are your secret pieces?
I don't really care what your favorite color is, I want to know why you chose it and why it brings you joy or how it makes you feel. I want to know if you're happy with your life or if there are things you would do differently if you could. I want to know what you dream you should be doing with your life, or if you're living your dream right now.
I guess I have been recently projecting that this is what I want from people. I have had an unusual number of people who have come out of the woodwork to ask me for advice about their lives (over the past year or two). People I haven't seen in years. People I don't know all that well. They share pieces of themselves with me that they don't seem to share with really anyone else. It still surprises me when I see this willing vulnerability.
Since I have started this blog in particular, I have reconnected with people I have known for years. They have shared deeper parts of themselves with me than I ever thought I would be privy to knowing. I guess they read my words and feel more connected to me as a human since I try to write and share my true feelings.
It is within these conversations of authenticity and vulnerability that I have realized some really important things about perception. Particularly, how my perception of people or circumstances in my past were completely different from someone else's. How although at the time I thought I was completely alone in what I was feeling, it turns out I was surrounded by people who were feeling the same way. We were just all too young and insecure to actually express any of it to someone else.
I have been thinking a lot about my life and the path I chose to navigate through it. I have often said that if I had a choice, I would not relive my life and change anything. I always sort of had the perception that things happened the way they were meant to and whatever bullshit I went through was for a reason or some sort of lesson. But I think I have changed my mind about that.
If I got a do-over, there are lots of things I would do differently. There are friendships that I would sacrifice from the timeline of my life to take another path. There are relationships I would not choose for myself. There are people I would seek out and talk to about my insecurities because I (now) know they felt the same way. I would change how my health was handled when I was a teenager (with the lack of diagnosis on the tumor). I would give myself permission to have this level of authenticity so much sooner than my 40's.
I have never really shied away from expressing my opinions about things going on in the world. I try to make sure I have all of the information I need before forming an opinion, so I don't have a problem defending it if someone disagrees. I never have the hesitation to share my thoughts.
I think my biggest hurdles in life have been figuring out who I actually am and expressing my true feelings out loud (rather than just my thoughts). In the do-over of my life, I would tell people how I feel. I would seek out friendships I didn't know (at the time) were possible to have. I would take better care of myself (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I would show and express the value of my true friendships to those people. I would allow myself to follow my gut because it was usually right.
In thinking about all of this, I have come to realize that although I won't get a do-over for the past, there is no reason to not do this in the present. I just wanted to put out into the world that I appreciate vulnerability, authenticity, and intimacy. I don't consider myself to be an expert on much, but I am a master listener. And although I may not have any answers, I welcome anyone who needs a place to voice their questions.
