I have noticed something that has been bothering me lately. To put it in it's most summarized form: the closer I get to a healthy place for myself, the less bullshit I am able to tolerate.
My therapist warned me in the beginning that seeking out change for oneself can lead to some uncomfortable places with the other people in your life. Particularly for someone like me with the inability to say no, the overwhelming urge to be a people-pleaser, the unhealthy tendency to position myself as a rescuer to other people, etc. When a person like me looks to make changes to their own behavior, it has repercussions within all of their other relationships.
Suddenly, you find yourself attempting to create better boundaries and (in general) the people who have always taken advantage of your lack of boundaries don't really like it all that much. In addition, situations that you have been in (for years even) that never seemed to bother you before, are now irritating because the lack of respect shown to you is no longer hidden by your own insecurities or lack of self worth.
I think that for the most part, my transition to healthier boundaries within my closest relationships has been pretty gradual (and they didn't just start last summer when I sought out help for the binge eating disorder). This has been a process I have been working through for many years. I originally went to grief counseling after Nana died in 2007. I discovered a lot more I needed to work on (besides overcoming grief).
I know I got a little bit off track in the years since ending that counseling. Although I may have been at a better place dealing with grief and life in general, I definitely hadn't made the kinds of changes with my boundaries I needed to really make. Since I have been married in particular (the last 5+ years), my husband has pointed out to me the times when I am in a totally neurotic people-pleasing state.
It has been a hard truth to face, quite honestly. He would literally just repeat to me whatever I said I was going to do, then question if I see how or why that action should be above the expectations of me (or really anybody). You know, most of therapy is just someone else holding up a mirror to your behavior and prodding you to determine (on your own) that it doesn't make any damn sense.
If anyone in my circle of friends and family have been disappointed by changes in the boundaries I have created for myself, they haven't made me aware of it. I am guessing that anyone who was taking advantage of my kindness or generosity just realized that the joyride was over and moved on. However, there is one area of my life that continues to be a challenge: my job.
I work in an industry overwhelmingly dominated by men, specifically of the older and white variety. I refer to it as the "good ole boys club". It is not news to me that I experience sexism (benevolent sexism included) or the repercussions of the wage gap on a regular basis. In fact, I have been told directly by people who have left my department, the specifics of just exactly how my pay differs. But that is a story for another time.
My issue right now is about respect (or lack thereof) within my office environment. On a daily basis, people pop into my cubicle all day long to ask me questions (as I am the only one in my department who does what I do). This is expected. What is not expected is that they would just walk in, sit down, and start spouting off questions at me when I am in the middle of doing something else. There is no "hello", no "do you have a minute", no nothing.
My job is very technical. I have to concentrate on what I am doing to do it accurately. If I don't do my job correctly, then every program the rest of the department uses is not set up accurately. If I am in the middle of something with 10 spreadsheets open on my computer (writing a formula, for example), someone just popping in and spewing verbal diarrhea all over me eliminates any train of thought I had going.
In addition, I have noticed that before I can actually answer whatever question is being asked of me (while interrupting me without inquiring if I have time for this tomfoolery in the first place), I have male coworkers who just yell over my cubicle wall at the person asking me a question any number of arbitrary pieces of information. As I said before, I am the only person who does what I do in this department. The likelihood that anyone is going to answer the question better than I can is minimal. I'm not trying to sound like an egomaniac or anything, it's just how it is in this particular job.
I then sit through the verbal diarrhea coming over my cubicle wall (either not answering the question at all, or only partially, or completely inaccurately) for however many minutes it lasts whilst literally staring at the ceiling trying not to let my eyes roll up into the back of my head. Once everyone goes silent, my commentary usually starts with, "to actually answer your original question... blah blah blah" if it is something I can answer quickly. However, 99% of the time, whatever they are asking me is something I am going to have to research anyhow (because they have broken something) and my response is, "I don't have time to stop what I am working on right now to research this, send me an email and I will get to it later today."
In thinking about it, nothing about anyone's behavior at my office has changed. They have always barged into my cubicle. They have always hollered over the wall. The only thing that has changed is my perception of it in recognizing it for being incredibly disrespectful. It's a complete disregard for my time and professional space for the ones who barge into my cubicle. It is some sort of benevolent sexism for hollering over the wall to answer questions, maybe in some backward attempt to resolve the situation for me instead of allowing me to handle it myself.
We all do a lot of talking over the cubicle walls in my office. And everyone interjects into each other's professional conversations about questions that come up or errors we experience when we have something useful to add. Usually, someone has seen it before and knows a solution. It is part of working in a cubicle environment and I get that. I guess what I don't get is the assumption that you need to answer something for me when I haven't even had the opportunity to respond to the question in the first place.
I know I don't interject into someone else's conversation unless they clearly don't know the answer, or they are planning to implement a solution that's completely inaccurate, or they don't understand the ramifications for what else it could affect and other things they need to check first. I certainly don't just assume my coworkers in the cubicles around me can't answer things for themselves until they prove that to be the case.
But here is where the work I am doing on myself comes into practice. You see, in thinking about the past, this has always been my work environment. Maybe I was more complacent about people talking over me or answering for me because I had put myself squarely into the position of a doormat and didn't think I deserved anything better. Maybe I always dropped whatever I was working on and changed gears to work on stuff as people came in and out of my cubicle all day long because I didn't have the backbone to just tell them I was busy working on something else. Maybe none of this ever bothered me because I was oblivious as to why it should bother me in the first place.
But here I am now. I am less tolerant of people spreading their disrespectful behavior all over my life. I think that's a good thing. But I also think this is going to be an arduous process of growing pains in my work environment. And in the meantime, I also know that specifically because I am a woman, it's not going to register with any of them to change their behavior according to what I am requesting of them immediately. Immediately, the response will be, "oh, she must be hormonal" or "wow, she's in a bitchy mood" or "Mary's on the war path again" (that last one was accidentally emailed to me once).
Nothing has changed except my perception of it. Modifying behavior is something that takes a long time to implement. I'm not super confident that the "good ole boys club" will even be on board to respect my boundaries. But masking my contempt when I am so completely disregarded is not something that I am doing very successfully anymore.
