This morning, I woke up as a 42-year-old. That seems like a really, really LONG time. Still pacing myself through the recovery process from sepsis, I feel every single minute of 42, if not older. Interestingly enough, when people who don't know me well ask how old I am, they argue with me about my age: you can't be 40!
I was running late this morning because my phone kept buzzing throughout my morning routine. People from different snapshots of my life coming to the forefront to wish me well. It's a heartwarming reason to be late.
I am usually one of the first people in the office, so I park in the first space. But since I was late, it was taken. It was taken by someone who decided to back into the spot and park over the line into the second space. I was absolutely not going to park in the third space, so I pulled into the second one, just really close to the other car.
I had a box to carry inside along with my purse, so I tossed my keys into my purse on the passenger seat, shimmied out, and shut the door. Yeah, the door that was locked. My purse, my keys, my card to get in the building, the box: all still sitting inside the car. It just so happened that someone I knew quite well was headed towards the building at that moment and let me inside.
Breathe in, breathe out. If I had just let the bad parking job person have the two spots and parked in spot three, I wouldn't have been waiting on roadside assistance this morning. My karma fairy has always had this kind of sense of humor. But I think if I were a karma fairy, I probably would too. Welcome to 42.
I have been trying to work on mindfulness recently. Be present in the moment. Quit replaying the past in your head. Quit worrying about the future and things you cannot control. Take care of your body and soul. Drive without road rage on Poplar. You know, the hard stuff.
But it is really difficult to be faced with your mortality and at the same time let go of controlling everything. If anything, recognizing that you are closer to the year of your death than you are to the year of your birth makes you want to grasp at anything to control... or fall into a mid-life crisis. Maybe that's what this is: my version of a mid-life crisis.
You know, it isn't like I never thought about what my purpose in life is before now. I have been lost about that for years. I guess it's just that I have to submit to the fact that I don't have 50 years left to figure it out. And then the cycle of "what if this is not where I am supposed to be" and "what if I don't figure it out" starts replaying in my mind. What if I had died in 2016 without figuring it out?
I see people around me who have found their calling in life. Sometimes it's through their profession: a teacher or nurse, or even as a manager or a business owner. Sometimes I see it through someone's volunteer work: devoted selflessly to a purpose greater than themselves. Sometimes I see it through someone's passion for painting, or creating music, or building things, whatever.
I don't feel like I have a calling. I mean, it is definitely not through my job. My job is not boring, but it isn't fulfilling either. If I left my job, they would be lost without me because I am the only one in our office of 14 who does what I do. However, that doesn't make my heart sing with joy or anything about what I spend the majority of my time doing.
I thought for a minute that I may find purpose in working on art to sell with my venture into art fairs. I poured all of myself into it for about a year to prepare for the Cooper-Young Festival and then barely covered the cost of my booth. The other three events had similar results. I was a little depressed about those shenanigans after the fact. I still have plastic bins of product taking up room in my sewing room, my life, and my head space because I cannot just get rid of all of the time, effort, and energy I put into that work.
Working on the project house was overwhelming purpose for the period of time I was fully in it. It was a means to an end to pay off all of my debt. It worked out for me so far, but after the majority of the work was mostly over, I felt relieved that it wasn't a bad investment after all rather than accomplished for doing it. And starting another project house sounds exhausting.
I watched a movie my therapist recommended recently. It was based on the books, lectures, advice, etc of Dr. Wayne Dyer (a psychologist and self-help guru). The basic premise of the movie had to do with being in the "afternoon of your life" and shifting to living a life of purpose and meaning instead of one of ambition and acquisition (of things, money, success, etc). The "afternoon" meaning the last half of your life after you're over the hill.
At first, this film made me angry. It seemed to me that it's really easy for someone to just decide that his life needed to shift to more meaning when he is wealthy and no longer has to worry about how the utility bill is going to be paid. I could travel the world and find my purpose too if I was a millionaire, Wayne. Thanks for imparting that knowledge on me while they interview you in Hawaii, living in your vacation shirt, with no shoes on. I'll try to keep my sarcasm to a minimum while you make me feel guilty for the ambition that pays my bills.
I watched it a week ago so I think I am at a better place about it now. Well, at least I'm not as angry anyways. I thought a lot about what I would be doing if I was a millionaire and no longer had to worry about myself or my future financially. Besides travelling the world and learning about different people and culture, taking care of elephants or dogs or both was the overwhelming thought.
Since I don't feel like I can actually do the travelling the world part without the unlimited funds part, I have focused my thoughts on the elephants and dogs. How can I change my life path to be able to spend more time with animals? Is this a path I need to fulfill through volunteering? Do I need to go back to school? Where do I even start?
It's really hard for me to commit to leaving my job or going back to school. With the completion of the project house, I am debt free for the first time IN. MY. LIFE. I am hesitant to go back to the place I just got out of because my life feels like it lacks the meaning I want.
For the present time, I am going to continue the self-care I have started with therapy, yoga, diet, mindfulness, and meditation. I am hopeful that taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, etc will show me what exactly I feel like is missing from my life. "Purpose" is too broad to address for me at the moment.
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