Every now and then, I will bend or twist the wrong way and I get a shooting pain in the spot where the shit bag was. There is a surgical hernia repair underneath my scar next to my belly button, and the twinge of pain reminds me of the hernia mesh just under my skin. I remember everything quite intensely if I look at my scarred up tummy. But I have kind of arrived at a place of it just being that crazy thing that happened that one time and it really doesn't define that much about me anymore. My immune system isn't what it used to be, but I guess that is a small price to pay if the alternative is being dead at 40.
The progress I have made with my therapist regarding my eating disorder (along with all the other things we talk about) surprises me sometimes. Particularly about changing behaviors that have been around for a really long time. One of the hold-outs is hiding food that I eat. I have been doing that since I was probably 3 or 4 years old. There wasn't a trauma (that I am aware of) that caused this. I don't remember there being a cause. But I would steal my grandmother's maraschino cherries from the top shelf of the refrigerator door and hide while I ate the whole jar and drank all of the juice. I was young enough that I had to drag a chair over to the fridge to get to them. I still don't know what prompted me to do that. But I am 43 years old and hiding food is still something that I have to make a conscious effort not to do anymore.
Sometimes I don't win that battle, but most of the time I do. A year ago, I couldn't make that statement if I was being honest with myself. At the time, every time my husband left to go somewhere (he was going to a lot more music shows at the time) I would eat until he either came back or I went to bed. It obviously wasn't bad enough that it caused me to regain weight, but it was something that I was constantly doing. I tried to identify what emotions were triggering this behavior (at the recommendation of my therapist), but I don't really think it had to do with emotions. It seemed more opportunistic. Like, ok, I am alone, I am going to eat all this food I love with no one here to judge me. At the time, I was also eating food in the car and hiding it. I am aware that no one was judging me anyhow, but that was just how I thought about it in my mind.
I sometimes still think about eating and hiding food. Like, I will think about stopping for fast food and eating it in the car. I go through this whole planning process of where I would stop, what I would get, how I would get rid of the food wrappers, if someone would notice (like are we supposed to eat dinner when I get home and I would be too full to eat or something), etc. I spend the time ruminating on all of this long enough that there isn't time to stop for food anymore. But there was a point in time where I was stopping for the food and hiding that I had eaten it. So I guess thinking about it but not doing it is an improvement over actually doing it?
I bought a jar of cherries a couple of months ago at the grocery. I have eaten maybe 10 of them but the jar is still in the fridge. I don't think about them. Correction, I don't obsess about them. But if I feel shaky (which sometimes happens) and I think it may be that my blood sugar has dropped (because sometimes it's protein instead), a few cherries soaked in sugar juice perks me back up pretty quickly. But I don't want to eat all of the cherries or hide that I ate them. So, progress I guess?
I have also been feeling better about my body and accepting that where I am at is a good place to be. Maybe accepting a little bit that I don't have to lose more weight to be considered a weight loss surgery success story. Learning to live with the fact that I don't have to have the extra skin removed from my body to feel sexy (or even be sexy). Accepting the idea that I can weigh 200 pounds and be ok with my weight and my appearance and still be a "success". Because even if I still weigh 200 pounds, I don't weigh 300 pounds. And even if I still think about food binges, I am not usually participating in them (most of the time anyways).
Well... this morning has been a challenge. My endocrinologist (who manages my pituitary gland tumor in my brain) decided to retire early and a new doctor came in to take over her practice. This morning was my first appointment with the new doctor. I don't particularly enjoy appointments with new doctors because I have such a long and complex medical history at this point. My brain tumor was diagnosed when I was 19, so we are talking about 24 years of treatment just for that. Not to mention everything else that has happened in the last 10 years or so (I have been under anesthesia 7 times since 2010).
Anyways, we are talking through my history with the tumor and everything it affects and I mentioned that I would like to have some blood work done on my vitamin levels because I have been really worn down since I had mono over the summer. I haven't been participating in my usual level of activities to give my body a chance to recover fully, but at the same time it has been over three months and I still feel tired all the time. I thought maybe it could be my B vitamins or iron levels or something so I mentioned that I had weight loss surgery in 2014 (which could be a reason why my levels are off).
Her response: "You know, you have to participate in your diet and exercise program for the rest of your life after weight loss surgery. You should still be eating low carb. Have you regained a lot of weight?" Followed by the elevator look. You know the one. The one where they lose eye contact to slowly go down your body and back up again.
In the moment, I explained to her that I had lost 100 pounds and was maintaining that with the exception of about 10 pounds of water weight I gained in the last three weeks or so thanks to lots of bags of fluids while dealing with the kidney stone (while simultaneously not being on the "water pill" I take). But I am stable around 200 pounds and have been for a couple of years. She ordered an MRI (because I haven't had one in 10 years or so and my tumor has been more symptomatic in the past year) and blood work and I am supposed to follow up with her in January (though I will be able to see the lab results online in a few days to see where I am at on my vitamin levels).
But after I left her office, her words started cycling over and over in my mind. All of these doubts crept in about not losing enough weight, not being "normal" what the fuck ever that means, still being overweight, and overall not being the success story that I had kind of decided in my mind I was. I mean I think I handled it in the moment with her in the best way I could have because I didn't take what she said as a criticism and just made clear what tests I definitely wanted added to my usual blood draw.
But the weight of her words and what she was implying became more and more clear to me after I had left her office. I spent the better part of the rest of the morning battling with my eating disorder about behaviors that have the potential to derail me in some major ways. It is kind of disappointing that an interaction with a new doctor can still send me into the same mental spiral, but I guess it is encouraging that it didn't result in a binge on cupcakes.
I am just left with this overall level of self doubt. Maybe I am not doing enough. Maybe I should try harder to lose more weight. I mean, my husband and I still eat small portions and I cook something for us most nights of the week. But in the past few months or so, my lack of energy has led to more take out than I would prefer. And I have definitely let sweet treats and crunchy snacks back into my house like an old lover I just can't quit... the comfort foods providing that hit of endorphins that I am not getting from exercise because I just don't have the energy to do it.
I had planned to go back to keto temporarily after the holidays as sort of a brain reset. I didn't want to set myself up for failure by trying to do keto during Thanksgiving and Christmas because that is a mental load I just don't want to take on at the moment and I truly feel like it would be self-sabotaging to even try. But I am just sitting here thinking to myself that I am not doing enough. I am not enough.
I took a photo in the hotel room when I was in Wisconsin. I was feeling pretty good about the image in the mirror. I don't often look at myself and feel like a success, but I did that day. This morning I am just trying to get back to that mental place. Thanks, doc.
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