I feel like it has been a never ending cycle. And although I know that lots of people struggle with their body image, I don't think the average person can quote you exactly what they weighed in every period in their life. Probably because their self-worth wasn't directly tied to the weight registering on the scale.
Age 3 - Pre-school - ~45 pounds
My first memory about food revolves around cherries. Grandaddy used to buy a jar of maraschino cherries whenever he went to the grocery. And I LOVED them. He and nana would try to hide them on the top shelf of the refrigerator so I couldn't get to them. But I would drag the kitchen chair over and stand on it to get to them.
I would take them into the back room (basically a storage area where the furnace was located) and eat them. All of them. And drink the juice. I think I was probably 3 or 4. I remember that I felt ashamed afterwards because they would get onto me about eating all of the cherries. But they always bought more the next time they went to the store.
Age 5 - Kindergarten - ~60 pounds
This was probably the first time I ever knew that I was heavier than other kids. I remember that the clothes I wore to school were from the pretty plus section of Sears. I also recall that nana bought me a kindergarten graduation dress that had to be hemmed about 6 inches because once they found one that would fit my torso, it was entirely too long.
At graduation, one of nana's friends told her "she has such a pretty face, it's too bad she's so heavy". I remember nana angrily replying, "she's pretty either way" in response. I don't know my exact weight at this age because a scale hadn't been introduced as my measure of worth quite yet. But I already felt like part of the "other".
Age 9 - Third grade - 99 pounds
This weight is actual. I remember because I was put on Weight Watchers and this was my starting weight. I don't remember them giving me a goal. I just remember that all of the food was categorized into three groups: red light foods, yellow light foods, and green light foods. All of the sweets that I loved were in the red light category which was on restriction. Yellow light foods I could eat in moderation. And I could eat however much I wanted of the green light foods (mostly veggies and some fruits).
This was probably the first time in my life that I learned that I couldn't eat what I wanted or even eat like other kids. It was also the first time I felt like I needed to lose weight. I don't think this was something that I consciously wanted to do. And so sneaking around and eating red light foods whenever I could was pretty much my goal. I don't recall that I lost any weight. Probably just lost self-esteem.
I know that my parents/grandparents probably thought this was a good solution because at the time I was coming home from school every day crying about being picked on for being fat, either on the playground or in PE. I remember that my uniforms (Catholic school jumpers) had to be altered every year because the ones that were big enough to fit around me were for teenagers and far too long waisted. In hindsight, I think that maybe the food choices for what I was eating probably shouldn't have been left up to me at this age.
Age 13 - Seventh grade - 188 pounds
The seventh and eighth grade students had lunch together. I remember sitting in the cafeteria and my friend giving me a hard time because the eighth grade boys were staring at me. My best friend Summer of course surmised one of them had a crush on me. But they were watching me eat and making pig noises under their breath. I guess it didn't occur to her that they would be mocking me.
I begged nana to do something to help me. Nutri-System was a new diet at the time. They made an exception for me and had my parents sign a bunch of waivers, and I was the youngest Nutri-System client they had ever had. They told me my goal was 107 pounds based on my height. But that I shouldn't think of it as having to lose 80 pounds. They set my first goal at losing 40 pounds. In the end, this was all that I lost.
I remember that the food was horrible and I hated eating it. My family ate what they always did, and I stuck to the diet. I took the Nutri-System food to school every day. I even remember we had a pizza party as a class at Pizza Hut during this time and they allowed me to bring my little Nutri-System pizza with me. It worked partially. But I was so happy with how I looked at 145 pounds that I quit before I tried to lose the other 40 pounds.
Age 15 - Freshman year - 145 pounds
Fresh off of Nutri-System, I felt like I was an average girl. My mom bought me some clothes from The Limited in a size large. I remember being so excited I could shop at a regular store for once. Even the shoes I was wearing were smaller than before (from a size 10 to an 8).
But when I went to get my uniform before my freshman year of school started, I was sent back into the fat girl category. The skirts for the high school didn't come in a size that would fit me. Fortunately (?) one of the grade schools in Memphis used the same plaid in their skirts for the summer uniform and they had a bigger size for some reason. The winter uniform skirt had to be custom ordered. Even at the lowest weight I had ever been, I was still fat.
It is important to note that my mom took me to the OB/GYN at this time because I still hadn't started my period. The doctor said she didn't see anything out of the ordinary and I was probably just a late bloomer. The truth is that I had a tumor on my pituitary gland in my brain that was probably in its early stages of growing at this time. It affected my hormones, and most importantly my insulin levels, and was not diagnosed until I was 19. I bring this up because having insulin running rampantly through your bloodstream makes you hungry. ALL. OF. THE. TIME.
Age 16 - Sophomore year - 170 pounds
This weight isn't very significant because I was on any particular diet. Losing weight was something I was always "trying" to do. But, when I turned 16, my uncle gave me his car to drive. This translated into me getting a job to have "my own money" and I was responsible for taking my little brother to and from school (he was in kindergarten at the time).
To me, it was freedom to eat how I wanted. If I wanted Oreos, I had my own money to go buy them for myself and hide them in my room. Nana gave me a credit card for gas money but it ended up being a McDonald's card. Kholt and I would go to McDonald's on the way home from school on more days than not. He was usually only interested in the toy and a few french fries anyhow, so I was eating his happy meal plus whatever I got for myself, plus dinner when we got home.
I think the tumor was partially responsible for the weight I was gaining, but I already had a weird relationship with food. The fact that I could sit down to a three course meal and be hungry again 30 minutes later is not normal. I remember going to a steak dinner with my dad's family during this time. When we got home, I made myself a sandwich. When I walked out of the kitchen, the look of shock on his face was surprising. "I don't know how you can even eat that after everything you just ate at the restaurant." If anything, being hungry all of the time made me hide the food I was eating to avoid whatever judgment or shame I would feel.
Age 18 - Senior year - 199 pounds
I remember nana telling me over and over again that I didn't need to be a "200 pound teenager". For some reason, I convinced myself that a teenager that weighs 199 pounds did not meet this stigma. I rented my prom dress from a formal rental place. I realize how old that makes me sound since nobody rents dresses anymore. Actually, even at the time, nobody rented dresses. But this was the only place I could find a dress that would fit me for the occasion. A size 24. At prom.
I went with a friend I had met at Search. I was 18 and had never been on a date. No one had ever had a crush on me. I had never been kissed. Since I also didn't have any hormones (thanks to the tumor), this wasn't as big of a deal to me at the time as you might think it should have been. I didn't receive validation from anyone because I was pretty, only because I was smart, or creative, or because I could sew, or because I brought food I cooked to school for the girls at lunch.
It never occurred to me that I could be pretty. I was just me. I didn't wear make-up. And for the most part, just wore t-shirts and jeans or shorts because that is all that would fit me. Everything I wore came from Catherine's Stout Shop and it wasn't like they had a youth line of clothes. Everything looked like something they wore on the Golden Girls.
Age 19 - College year 2 - 250 pounds
I didn't gain the Freshman 15 that everybody gains in college. It was more-so the Freshman 50. Being completely away from home meant that I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Papa John's pizza had a student special at the time. One large one-topping pizza, one order of breadsticks, and two 12-ounce cans of Coke for $5. It was something that I frequently shared with someone else in the dorm, halved. But sometimes I would order it and eat it all myself.
I remember that Blimpie's was on the strip by campus and sometimes they did two for one foot-long sandwiches. I would go get them with the intention of eating a 6 inch and saving the rest for later meals. I would get home and eat the foot-long instead of the six inch. And sometimes I would eat both of the foot-longs with both bags of chips.
I decided I wanted to try to lose weight and Fen-Phen was the craze at the time. A magic pill that would make you not hungry and people were losing weight like crazy. It wasn't even legal in Tennessee, so I made an appointment and went to a doctor in North Carolina to get it. She wouldn't give it to me. See... I still didn't have a period. I never got it when I was 16 like the doctor thought I would. And I just never mentioned it again.
Well, she said I needed to figure out why I didn't have a cycle before I started a drug like that. I made an appointment at the student health clinic. I remember the doctor there told me I was her only interesting case because she was usually treating STDs, the flu or confirming pregnancy. I went for an MRI and my tumor was diagnosed.
Age 20-22 - The rest of college - ~250 pounds
I spent most of college going from dieting to binging. Sometimes I was trying to eat better and sometimes I was just eating whatever I wanted and drinking a lot (typical at UT). I had a group of friends that seemed to like being around me whether I was fat or not. I was kind of a bitch and came out of my shell.
But my weight never really changed much. Of the myriad of diets I tried around this time, I could usually lose 10 or 15 pounds, and then gain it back. I graduated from college a virgin, never had a relationship. I remember my mom asked me one time if I was a lesbian. She figured since I was never talking about dating any guys, maybe I just wasn't telling her I was dating a girl.
Honestly, I probably should have tried it out. The body ideal for a woman (particularly a straight one) in the mid 90s was the thinness of Rachel and Monica on Friends. Kate Moss and her waif model body was everywhere. I probably could have rocked the butch lesbian thing. Reflecting on it now, a lot of people probably thought I was a lesbian at the time anyhow.
Age 27 - Third job out of college - 298 pounds
I was seeing my endocrinologist pretty regularly at this point in my life. There was a period after I graduated college at my first few professional jobs when my tumor went untreated. At the time, pre-existing condition clauses on health insurance were pretty common. Since a specialist doctor visit, plus blood work could run upwards of $500 (not including meds), I opted to just not go.
But after I started working at FTN, I stayed in the job long enough to make it past the pre-existing condition clause and made an appointment. I remember weighing at her office. 298 pounds. I freaked out. I remembered nana's words about me being a 200-pound teenager. A 300-pound adult was a little too much to bear.
Age 29 - Lowest adult weigh (at that point) - 208
I decided to try Nutri-System again. On their updated plan, you were supposed to supplement their food with fruits and veggies for a healthy diet. I decided I was going to only eat the Nutri-System instead. It was probably about 700 calories a day. But I lost like 40 pounds in two months. I lost another 40 pounds over the course of the next several months. I lost down to 208 pounds. It was the lowest I had ever weighed as an adult.
Of course, as soon as I was not eating the Nutri-System anymore, I started gaining weight. But at the time I was roommates with my gay best friend who was also super critical of everything I consumed. Some of the weight came back slowly over time, probably about 20 pounds.
Age 31 - Traveling job - 250 pounds
Right around the time I turned 30, I took a job traveling and began what I would consider my first real relationship. Traveling every week for work meant eating out at restaurants for pretty much every meal and most of the time it was fast food. My first real relationship didn't help much with my self-esteem.
I was gaining weight pretty consistently because I didn't really have control over the food I was eating. I remember even trying to go back on Nutri-System while traveling. Of course that didn't work. The boyfriend was a dick head who cheated on me and strung me along for a few years. So he pretty much killed whatever self-esteem I had.
And then nana died. I remember coming home from the hospital that morning. I made myself a frozen pizza and I ate all of it. Then I made a pan of brownies and I ate all of that too. Then I made chocolate chip cookies. I was about a dozen cookies in before I even realized that I was sick to my stomach. I don't ever recall binging like that before that point. I mean, I was always sneaking food and hiding how much I ate and in general not eating what I should in the right quantities. But I had never just eaten and eaten and eaten to the point that if I literally ate another bite I was going to throw up.
I went to therapy for grief counseling. It was also instrumental in creating some self-esteem after my ex had pretty much destroyed it. I quit my traveling job and went back to FTN. I joined a gym with my long time friend KC and went religiously. My weight fluctuated plus or minus 10 pounds for years. I was in better shape just because I was stronger, but I never really made any progress towards being a healthier weight.
I remember when my therapist and I decided that I had accomplished what I needed to while under her care for grief and depression. She recommended that I continue therapy with another doctor who specialized in eating disorders. Although food issues were not part of what we were attempting to address, it was obviously something she saw me struggling with. I thought I didn't need that.
Age 36 - Got married - 270 pounds
Dave and I probably spent the three years we dated before getting married mostly eating and having sex. The first six months, we only saw each other every Wednesday: hump day. We hung out, watched movies, had sex, and ate Mexican food.
As we hung out more often, we expanded to other kinds of restaurants. I remember one night suggesting we stop for ice cream after we had just eaten dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We went to Sonic and each got a large Sonic Blast. The girl on the speaker asked if we were sure we wanted a large because they were $6 each. I thought that was a ridiculous question until the car hop brought them to the car. They were in like Route 44 cups. What was more ridiculous was that we ate all of them.
I remember the day we eloped, the day of the Mayan apocalypse (12-21-12). We got a cake with the Mayan calendar on top that said "It's Not The End Of The World". It was three layers with raspberry filling in between. I think the bakery said it was a cake to feed maybe 40 people. We ate it. I mean, not that day. But within that week.
Age 38 - Gastric Sleeve - 255 pounds
Dave and I decided after 5 years of eating ourselves into an early grave that we wanted to be healthier. The catalyst was going out west and seeing the Grand Canyon and the Colorado mountains together. We wanted to be able to hike and not be the fat couple everywhere we went.
We lost the required 20% of our body weight the insurance required before they would approve us for surgery. Honestly, this was done through some pretty extreme measures of eating about 500 calories a day. We had the gastric sleeve surgery one week apart in March of 2014. We were both 38 and wanted to live longer lives with each other.
Post surgery, you have a pretty restrictive diet because your body is still healing and you don't want to explode your stomach. The first few weeks it's liquids and Jello. Then you move on to soft foods for a few weeks: soups, pudding, mashed potatoes. I remember that my brother ordered pizza during this time and I snuck and ate a piece of it. I could have exploded my stomach and died, but that piece of pizza was more important in that moment.
Age 40 - Post op - ~200 pounds
Settling into eating a lot less after surgery, I lost down to about 193 pounds. But my weight has always fluctuated and though that was the lowest, my weight pretty much settled around the 200 pound mark. My gastric sleeve surgeon would say that I am not a success story because I didn't lose down to the normal range of the BMI chart. For my height, that would be 135 pounds.
But I had never felt better. I could buy clothes in regular stores. The clothes at Lane Bryant and Torrid were actually too big. I felt better. I was able to get off of the meds I was taking for pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. My endocrinologist was ecstatic about my progress.
Age 41 - Almost died - 181 pounds
What is there to say. My lowest weight as an adult came as a result of sepsis and almost dying. I lost 20+ pounds in a matter of 14 days. I didn't like the way I looked and I wanted to gain some weight back. It is the first time in my life I have ever consciously tried to gain weight. Honestly, it was a HUGE excuse to eat what I wanted in a bigger quantity than I should.
Age 41 - Current - ~200 pounds
My weight has settled back in to right around where it was before the sepsis. I am comfortable at this weight. But I still feel fat. I still feel like I should weigh less. I definitely still have issues with food. Gastric sleeve was a tool I used to help me with my binge eating disorder, but it cannot fix it.
I feel like I am about to embark on a new part of my life with the help of this therapist to get to the root of the reason why I have always had a love affair with food. I am hopeful that I will be able to overcome the destructive thought processes and behaviors I have fallen back into.
Maybe food can just be the thing that keeps me alive, rather than something I live for.
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