Somewhere in the middle...

Writing is my way of working through things sometimes and I have come to a crossroads in my life (well, another one).  I guess it has been a long time coming, but I am currently at a place where I feel like I can come to terms with some things and work on myself.

About 6 years ago, I posted a note on Facebook about food addiction.  More specifically, that I was/am addicted to food and how hard it is to overcome an addiction you have to partake in some way every day, only in moderation.  I guess the best place to start with this blog is with the entry from that time.  Because it is essentially where this story begins (sort of).



From August 21, 2011:

I’m an addict…

I use every day.  Sometimes to the point that I pass out.  Sometimes to the point that I make myself sick.  Some days I keep things in moderation… not going too far.  I think about using when I wake up.  I think about when I can use next.  I plan out using the night before for the next day.  Sometimes I hide how much I use… or lie about even having the urge.  People would probably judge me for it… wait… people do judge me for it.

I have put my health in jeopardy.  I have mistreated my body and it is fighting back… or dying a little… but I continue to be destructive anyway.  Sometimes nothing else satisfies the urge.  Sometimes it is the only thing on my mind.  Sometimes it is the only thing that will make things better.  What time is it… is it time yet… how much… is that too much.  Then I control it obsessively so I don’t feel so out of control.

My drug… my drug is food.  Very funny, Mary, we all thought you were addicted to heroin.  Nope.  Not heroin.  A heroin addict can go to treatment and abstain for the rest of their life.  What can I do… never eat again?  I have an addiction… but I am forced to sustain myself by partaking in it every day.  Just in moderation.  Do you think an alcoholic can drink every day… but only one glass?  Didn’t think so.

I watch Intervention on TV.  I hear people talk about addiction and how they feel and I identify with them.  I have never done any heavy drugs… but I identify because that is how food is for me.  It can change my mood to make me feel better.  If I have too much I get sick.  I think about it all the time.  I hide it from other people.  I want it more when I am down or have a bad day.  I don’t think anyone understands.  I wish it was as simple as treatment and abstaining… but it isn’t.

I have started a new eating plan.  I control what I eat, and the portion sizes and I abstain from danger zones like Baskin Robbins or Pei Wei.  And I am losing weight.  I am proud of myself for that.  But every day I wonder if I can keep it up.  So far it has been four weeks.  But I wish people understood how this feels.  It isn’t just a matter of going on a diet or walking three times a week.  It is an addiction I think about every day, for which I am presented temptation every day, and in which I have to partake every day.  Just in moderation.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be recovering from using heroin… at least then I would be thin.



I think that is an accurate representation of my feelings about food at the time (and in general).  These photos were taken around the time I posted this.






I can say with certainty, the meal plan I am speaking of did not work (for me).  I lost the commitment to it, or my health at some point.  Secondly, I only got fatter and my eating more out of control over the next few years.  For me, admitting that I was addicted to food was a big deal.  Prior to that point, I was just fat and obviously ate more because my stomach was larger than the average adult's stomach would be.  And I loved food, but I kind of thought everybody did.

Seeing this in my memories struck a chord with me.  Not because I feel like I have overcome it, but because I haven't.  Taking this a step further, I have come to realize most recently that if I am to be completely honest with myself, I am not just addicted to food, I have an eating disorder (binge eating disorder).  I have been for my first visit to a therapist to help me with this (big step).  I am hopeful that it will help me, but at the same time realistic that this is going to be a life long battle and it will probably never be easy.

I intend to use this as a place for me to work through things as they come up as well as revisit pieces of my past.  I think this will resonate with some people just because a higher percentage of the American population suffer from binge eating disorder than from anorexia and bulimia combined.  I hope that my words can encourage people to be more honest with themselves if it is something with which they also struggle.