I Want All The Food

Today has been a struggle for me.

I have a lot going on at the moment.  We are almost finished with the project house.  We have several social engagements over the next few weeks.  I started seeing a doctor about my arm (still have the tendonitis) so I will be doing PT for the next month or so.  There is the therapy.  And my reversal surgery is scheduled for 11-01.

And then there's my job.  We are currently in the process of a software conversion.  Which essentially means that we are setting up about 300 clients on our software over again.  Setups are my responsibility... so this has fallen on my shoulders.

This would be fine if it was all I was woking on because it is pretty much a full time job unto itself.  But it is not.  I am still responsible for all of our new setups (which continue to come in), all of our re-setups (that happen as our clients do software conversions of their own), the reports I typically run, the questions I typically am answering for the other analysts.  Not to mention the questions I am getting from everyone as a result of them testing the new software.

This morning, I received probably 4 emails in rapid succession that required some sort of immediate action on my part.  In addition to the conversion.  In addition to the reports I am supposed to run today.

I was sitting at my computer and that really overwhelmed feeling came over me where my heart starts beating faster and I am pretty much just irritable and frustrated.  And my first thought was I should go get myself something to eat.

I had eaten breakfast about an hour before and I was still drinking my coffee.  I was not hungry.  But when I feel overwhelmed, food is my first thought.  It always has been.  In the past, I would have gone to the kitchen, pulled out a bag of chips, or a box of candy, or a package of oreos, and eaten them all.  

It wouldn't have changed the fact that I was overwhelmed.  It wouldn't have made my day any less stressful.  I would have zoned out into the food not really even realizing how much I was eating.  Of course, I am talking about in the days before I had the gastric sleeve.

In that moment, I would have been placated.  And then I would have returned to my computer and gotten started on the work.  This morning, it wasn't an option.  Not only had I already eaten breakfast, but I am also trying to figure my shit out with food.

My thought process was this: 

I should go get some food.
Why?  You just ate and you aren't hungry.
It's what I always did.
You can't do that anymore.
I still wish I could.
Well, you can't.  And even if you could, would you still do it?  Even though you're trying to make healthier decision about food and work through being addicted to it?
I would eat.  If I could, I would eat.

And then I took a deep breath and started working.

But if I could, I would eat.