ST: How's your eating?
ME: Well I thought I was doing better because I was drinking more, but then I got some kind of bad news about some people in my family possibly having some health issues and I haven't been drinking enough like I should. And then I got on a scale and realized how much weight I have gained since I almost died and I almost died a little inside. So...
ST: So... how's your eating?
ME: Not good.
Our prior session (to this one) we talked a lot about attachment styles. To make a long story short, there are four attachment styles: secure, and then three types of insecure attachments - anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. You can do your own research about attachment theory if it is interesting to you. The essential gist of it is that you learn your attachment style as a very young child (less than 2 years old) and it take a lot of undoing to change it.
If you have a secure attachment as a child, you tend to identify with the following statements: "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or others not accepting me." This kind of attachment forms in this early development period for children and is the ideal.
For me, I identify more so with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. The textbook characteristics are as follows:
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their attachment figure. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only recedes when in contact with the attachment figure. They often doubt their worth as a person and blame themselves for the attachment figure's lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
This is 100% related to why I tend to try to put myself into roles in relationships (note family, friends, lovers, et all) where I am the nurturer/rescuer. I tend to be completely insecure in the attachment to others unless I am going above and beyond to prove I am worth it because I don't find that value within myself.
It's a lot to take in that you have been doing something your whole life that you think is related to one thing, and it is pretty much something else entirely. I always kind of thought to myself that the root of my insecurities about relationships was due to my insecurity about my body and the way I look. I thought myself unworthy of love and therefore went above and beyond in relationships as some sort of weird fucked up way to make up for being the fat girl.
It is a little mind blowing to come to the realization that it actually has more to do with attachments that were formed as a very young child and that I have just been repeating the same behavior over and over again. It is not completely unrelated to the food, however. Because I do tend to form insecure attachments with people, I formed a very SECURE attachment with food. Whatever I thought or perceived I was not receiving from people, I got from food instead. Which just compounded the issue of being insecure because of being fat.
The good news is that forming secure attachments with people can be just as therapeutic in reversing this process as actual therapy work can be. The fact that I now have some very secure relationships will help me heal myself just as much as ST will help me otherwise. I think that is promising.
But, it doesn't change my love affair with food. This process will take unlearning my very secure attachment to food as well. I'm not sure how you do that after 40 years, but I am willing to try anything to change the pattern of behavior.
I do have some building anxiety about the hiatus in the progress that I am certain I will see fairly soon. I am set to have surgery on November 1st and I won't be going anywhere (ie. no therapy sessions) for the duration of recovery. I am hopeful that I can continue some work in this regard, but I know this is a huge expectation of myself. Obviously, if I could do this on my own, I wouldn't be going to therapy in the first place.
I feel like I am just starting to scratch the surface of the issues I really need to deal with, and then there is going to be this extended break from any progress at all. I am hopeful that even if I am not fully recovered from surgery, I may be able to schedule an appointment after a few weeks and my husband can drive me. I know that dealing with the holidays only makes things more complex (if anything).
Note: feeling a little defeated about the food, my weight gain, my progress, and everything that goes along with all of it at the moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment