#MeToo

So there is a hashtag that people are using on social media (variety of platforms) #MeToo.  The point was for people who have been sexually assaulted or harassed to express this to shine a light on just HOW MANY have experienced it.  It brought to the forefront the fact that this affects everyone, no matter who you are, what you look like, or where you live.

It called to mind one of my first lessons in the sexualization of women, particularly in the workplace.  When I was nine, I helped my mom pick out a halloween costume.  At the time she worked at Holiday Inn corporate headquarters as the secretary to a manager and they always dressed up for the holiday.

We found a super cute unicorn costume.  It came with a headband that had a white unicorn horn with silver sequins spiraled around it, and silver tinsel hanging down the back like a horses mane.  The main part of the costume was a simple white tunic.  It wasn't short, no slit, not low cut, so it was 100% work appropriate.  

I LOVED her costume and I was so excited that I helped her pick it out to wear to work.  I remember her coming home from work that day and I couldn't wait to hear about how everyone loved it as much as I did.  But she seemed frustrated.

I kept pressing because I wanted to know why in the world people would not have liked her costume.  And that day was the first day I learned about how it doesn't really matter what you do or wear as a woman, if a man wants to change the narrative, he can.

The words spilled out of her as if she had been holding them in not only all day, but all of her life.  She had tried really hard to pick a costume that the men at work wouldn't have comments about.  A lot of times the women would receive comments if they wore something deemed too "sexy", not only from the men but also from other women.  She didn't want to come across to anyone like that because she was married and it was inappropriate.

She thought that we both had done an excellent job picking her costume because it wasn't revealing, it was an innocent character (childlike even), and overall was cute but not "sexy" at all.  And despite putting this much time and effort into NOT being sexualized for her costume choice, she said she got the same comment all day long:  

"It looks like somebody's horny."

She had to explain to me what horny meant.  She was so sad and frustrated.  My mom was homecoming queen, beautiful, petite and blonde.  I would venture to say that she was sexually harassed a lot more than I ever have been just because she inhabited this idealized body.  And despite her efforts to NOT be, was still placed squarely in a sexual role.  At her job.  By her superiors.

My second lesson came when I was about twelve.  My dad took me to get ice cream at the Sno Cream Castle at Getwell and New Willow.  I was walking down the sidewalk back to my dad's truck with my ice cream cone, and this dude slows down in his car to yell obscenities about me licking my ice cream.  Dad chased his car down the road screaming about kicking his pervert ass.

I was oblivious as to why he said the things he did or what they even meant.  I was twelve and went to private school.  I didn't learn the true mechanics of a blow job until I was embarrassingly older.  Dad didn't explain to me what any of it meant.  But he did have to talk to me about predators that day.  I still played with Barbies and had no boobs, but eating an ice cream cone looked like I was sucking dick?

I know that rape in particular is about power and control, not sex.  Sometimes rapists don't even climax.  For this reason, whether you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, you can be a victim of sexual assault.  If anything, this hashtag campaign demonstrated that.  Nothing about you as an individual matters if the motive is power and control.

Sexual harassment comes in a slightly different package.  Less about power and control, and more about degrading and objectifying, particularly in response to rejection.  As a fat woman, I feel like this has happened fewer times to me than to women who live in bodies that fit the traditional mold of "attractiveness".  Don't get me wrong, it has happened, and I was actually kind of confused.  But I am sure I have experienced this far less than my peers of average size.

Here's the thing, the vast majority of my friends posted the #MeToo hashtag.  None of them could be put into a certain category of attractiveness, body size, class, color, intelligence, education, or creed.  There was no model of overtly risky behavior, no reason for any of it except that some other person thought they had the right do that to them.

It is powerful to give your experiences a voice to be heard.  To quote a musician I recently met at a show in Nashville, "If you don't tell your story, who will?"

I am so tired of trying to explain to disbelieving men that other men act like animals who have no control over their actions.  It's like, "well I would never do that, therefore you must be exaggerating."  So in addition to my childhood lessons above, I offer the personal experiences below.  Some of these stories I never told anyone, not even my Nana, because I assumed they wouldn't believe me.

I have been groped on a packed subway.  There was a lot of commotion so my friends and I all got off at the next stop.  When I told them what was going on, they shared that it happened to them as well on the same train, at the same time.  Some dude was literally sticking his hand between all of our legs and sliding his hand back out to rub on everything.

I have been "checked" on multiple occasions.  I was wearing pretty elaborate costumes and I guess someone thought I might be a drag queen since I was with my gay friends.  Instead of asking me if I was a girl or not, they just checked me for a "tuck".  I would be happy to explain this to my straight friends if it doesn't make sense, but essentially they verified with their hands if I was a girl or a guy.

The power went out at a bar I was in, so I walked over by the bathrooms where the only emergency lighting was because it seemed like the safest place.  Some asshole planted his hands on either side of my face, started sucking on my neck, and ground me into the wall with his pelvis.  I slid down the wall to get out of his pin.  I had never seen or spoken to him before.

After my grandfather died, Nana had a male caretaker/live in companion.  I remember when I would call and talk to her on the phone he would yell out things in the background like, "Tell her to get her legs out of the air, we need to ask her a question!"  I told her it was really weird and uncomfortable, she didn't really get it either but brushed it off and said he was joking.  I was leaving her house on Christmas, told everyone good-bye, and he was the only one who followed me outside.  I said "Merry Christmas" and gave him a hug because he was like family and he forced his tongue down my throat.  I spent the last years of Nana's life trying to avoid him without telling her why.  I was a virgin at the time.

I could give you countless examples of harassment that occurred particularly when I was doing the online dating thing.  Men who met me for dates who assumed we would be having sex just because I agreed to meet them for coffee.  Men who were disappointed that I didn't show up dressed "more sexy" because my halloween costumes were (note: they had stalked my other social media accounts that were not at all attached to my dating profile).  Men who thought it was cool to expect sex from me, but didn't want to be seen in public with me because I was too fat.  But, there are far too many examples of the depraved behavior that comes from a mostly anonymous internet profile, so I am going to skip all of that.

I have never been raped.  I was never touched inappropriately as a child.  On a by the book, criminally charged basis, I have never been sexually assaulted.  But if you read the above paragraphs and weren't a little disgusted by the behavior involved, I really have to question your humanity.  I didn't put out to any of these men that I wanted to be touched or that I was ok with any of it.  Actually, in every situation, my consent wasn't even a question or a consideration.

The narrative often includes some idiotic commentary regarding bad decisions that women make that put them in situations like this.  About drinking, or what they are wearing, or being too attractive.  So riddle me this: how is it that a morbidly obese woman who was made to feel the opposite of sexually attractive (if anything), wearing normal clothes, doing the same thing that all of her peers were doing, made a bad decision that resulted in this?  What was it for me?  That I chose to ride a crowded subway?  That I was in a bar with a group of people I knew?  That I was in New Orleans for halloween with my friends?  That I decided to attend MY FAMILY CHRISTMAS GATHERING???

I don't know how this changes.  Sometimes it feels like it is impossible to even convince anyone that there is a problem.  I look at the experiences I have had and even I think to myself, "well, it could have been worse".  Yeah, it could have been worse.  

"Well, you weren't raped."
"Maybe they just didn't know how to approach you."
"You're too intimidating so they have to act more aggressively."
"He was hot, I don't know why you didn't just go along with it."

It could have been worse, but do we really want to live in a society where that's our standard?