Thanksgiving...

The holidays.  The holidays have always been kind of a stressful time for me.  When I was a kid, it was the coordination.  Mom's family, dad's family, step-mom's family, step-dad's family... there was not a thanksgiving where I only had one thanksgiving dinner.

Sometimes, it was the thanksgiving day shuffle.  Sometimes, it was celebrations on different days.  Sometimes it was two celebrations in the same day in different cities.  As I got older and could drive myself, it became immensely easier on everyone else.  Not necessarily for me.

There was still the shuffle between households, between meals.  There were always multiple meals.  First thanksgiving of the day, they can't understand why I don't eat more of their food.  Second thanksgiving of the day, same story, only it was after having already consumed a ridiculous amount of food at the first one. 

I always said I was going to grow up and have my own thanksgiving, and whomever wanted to come to me was welcome.  Oddly enough, the size of our family celebrations has dwindled in the number of people, yet not the number of meals as grandparents have passed away and new traditions are made.

Then my husband and I got the gastric sleeve.  Thanksgiving for the past three years has been a dance of careful choices because I literally cannot overindulge anymore.  You really figure out what your favorite parts are if you can only choose to eat those items.  Especially when you can only have about a teaspoon of each thing, depending on how many you pick.

I have always been kind of annoyed with thanksgiving.  I always felt endlessly obligated to attend.  Once Nana died, I also took over half of the cooking for that celebration.  The shuffle also needed to include coordination of the food I was bringing as well (and cooking it the day of).  I don't know how many times I have helped my mom clean up the kitchen from her meal, then immediately started cooking again.

This year, thanksgiving takes on a different meaning for me.  I literally just got out of the hospital.  I wasn't sure I would even be able to help my brother and sister-in-law with direction on what I usually make and bring.  I actually made the dressing the weekend prior to surgery and took it to my mom and my sister with instructions for freezing it, thawing it, and baking it themselves.

And here I sit on thanksgiving eve, thinking about all of the family thanksgivings of the past that I attended, probably begrudgingly at the time.  I think about my grandparents, and uncle, and step-grandparents, and great-grandparents and all the holiday celebrations I spent with them in houses full of other kids, grandkids, aunts, uncles, cousins and step versions of all of them.  And I feel guilty that I cannot do the grand tour of thanksgiving tomorrow.

*IF* I feel up to it, I am going to go to my sister's where she is hosting thanksgiving in the house I just rebuilt.  I am not going to brave the ride to Hernando for the other half of the family tomorrow.  I honestly only really have the energy for doing things a couple of hours at a time.  I still have stitches in my belly.  I am still on a semi-restricted diet.

But I guess it is hard for me this year because I have so many things to be thankful for.  We never had some silly family tradition of going around the table and naming things we were thankful for when I was a kid or anything (though I had friends who did that).  I was always rushed from one place to the other, maybe I just missed that part.

I don't think I would have enough time to really put into words what I am thankful for this year.  Thankful that I lived.  Thankful that I recovered with very little long-lasting damage to my body from sepsis.  Thankful I was able to have the shit bag reversal surgery, and that I survived that too.  Thankful my job let me work from home in a really trying part of my life.  Considering it was part of the reason I was able to heal, I guess I am even thankful for the shit bag.

But the most important piece of the puzzle is that I am thankful for the people I have in my life.  My friends have (probably uncomfortably) indulged me with regaling poop stories for the better part of a year.  My family has accepted that no matter what their current tribulation was, my response was going to be, "I have a shit bag; I win."  So many of them also put time and effort into helping finish the house without a complaint.  My coworkers have worked around the fact that I have been a remote employee with hardly any guilt trips; though I bribe them with baked goods whenever I go to the office.

I have an amazing surgeon.  I think I surprise him with my attitude about the whole thing.  And with the compliance with whatever he asked of me.  I was cared for by some truly caring nurses, CNAs, medical assistants, and housekeepers at the hospital.  The ones I felt really helped me the first time I was there in December and January, also remembered me when I returned last week.

And then there's my husband.  I call him my bacon.  It took a long time in this life to find him.  I think I was most scared about maybe not surviving all of this because it wouldn't have been fair to us.  My time with him would be over.  Only 6 years?  That is a drop in the bucket of time.  He has been so patient with me.  He tries harder than I do to make sure I take care of myself.  He is my safe spot.  To say that I am thankful for him would be a gross underestimation of how I feel.

I am thankful to say I am a survivor of 2016 (a lot of people weren't).  I am thankful I have made it through 2017 as well as I could manage, one day at a time.  I am thankful for puppies, and kitties, and elephants, and cupcakes.  And for the first time in a long time, I am thankful that I am still here to participate in what I have always called "forced family fun".

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude—for every single moment of my stupid, little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure; but don’t worry….you will someday.”

~American Beauty