You are taking up the time (and table) of a server with a check that amounts to one appetizer or one meal. We aren't supposed to drink anything while we eat, and we usually have leftovers from just the one thing. There is inevitably this weird vibe from the staff that something is wrong with the food that is just easiest to avoid in the first place.
Anyways, I digress. About six years ago, I decided that the next large tattoo I wanted was Ganesha, the Hindu god who is known as the remover of obstacles. As some sort of motivation for myself, I also decided that I wasn't getting it until I lost weight. I didn't set in my mind how much weight I needed to lose, I just couldn't have the tattoo until I lost it.
I still don't have a Ganesha tattoo. I had weight loss surgery, and I have lost 96 pounds from my highest weight to where I am now. But I guess that isn't enough to deserve my reward? I don't have an explanation for it except that although I did lose a lot of weight, I am still not in the normal range on the BMI chart. My weight loss surgeon would not call me a success story because I don't weigh 135.
The thing is, I am not ever going to weigh 135. I don't even want to weigh 135. The lowest adult weight I have seen on the scale was in the 170s and I didn't like my body when I was there because I felt it was too deflated. I actually wanted to gain some weight after that, which I did, I just overachieved.
Anyways, I am getting off topic. The point of this blog is that I want to have a tummy tuck. The plastic surgeon I saw for a consultation suggested something called a "Fleur de Lis" procedure where you basically have a vertical and a horizontal scar. The shape of the skin they remove is (in general) the shape of the stylized lily you probably recognize from the New Orleans Saints logo.
They remove skin from the middle that pulls everything in from the sides, as well as the loose skin (going out to either side) from the bottom. I never thought I would have (or even want) something like this done. My husband and I had surgery to lose weight for our health. I have already found my life partner so who cares what my deflated stomach looks like?
That was all fine and dandy until I almost died in 2016 and had to have the exploratory abdominal surgery and the shit bag. After it was removed last November, I have a horizontal scar where the stoma resided, as well as a vertical scar that extends from three inches above my belly button all the way down. Which, again, who cares - it's just a scar and I am still alive.
However, the tight tissue of a scar right down the middle of a belly of loose skin creates what I can only describe as "front butt". It makes finding flattering pants pretty difficult. In addition, where the stoma used to be, I have hernia repair mesh over my abdominal muscles. The skin hanging and pulling on this mesh is painful with every step I take. I thought it would ease up at some point, but I am 8 months out from surgery and I have come to terms with the fact that this is just part of my new normal.
I could learn to live with front butt, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life in pain on a daily basis because of loose skin. The tummy tuck would fix both. Here is where we come full circle (and the beginning of this blog seems less random). In my mind, I don't deserve to have it done.
In my mind, I am not a weight loss success story. In my mind, if I haven't lost all the weight I need to lose, then I am not ready for the tuck to fix my skin. The thing is, I am at the stable weight I was at before I got sick in 2016. And I have been there for three months. But for whatever reason, it is not enough. In my mind, I need to lose ten more pounds. Why ten pounds? Who fucking knows. If I lost ten more pounds, it would be my lowest adult weight (outside of when I was ill).
I question myself about this all the time. Why don't you think you deserve this? What about that ten pounds makes a difference? If it is so important, why do you keep cheating on your diet and not losing the ten pounds? Because in addition to deciding I need to lose this arbitrary amount of weight, I am also not sticking to keto and essentially self-sabotaging my efforts to get there.
I lose a couple of pounds after a week of sticking to my eating plan. Then I eat ice cream sandwiches for a few days and gain the few pounds back. I have gained and lost the same pounds for weeks by doing this. The thing is, I know if I just stick to the keto, it works for me. So what gives?
At the end of the day, I think this goes back to my lack of self-worth. I would be 100% supportive of my husband having skin removal surgery if he chose to do so. He deserves it. He has earned it. But when it comes to doing the same thing for myself, I balk at spending the money. Or I make arbitrary goals for losing ten pounds, then do things to ensure I don't. Or I talk myself out of having the surgery at all because I am still "fat". I tell myself that I don't deserve it. That I haven't earned it.
The ironic part about this is that if I had the tummy tuck, I would probably lose 10 pounds of skin. It has been a difficult process, but at some point I want to arrive at a place where I can say out loud, "I deserve to have a tummy tuck."
AND a tattoo.
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