On Valentine's Day in 2013, my husband and I celebrated our elopement with family and friends. My step-brother and his (then) wife did not come to the party. (Please take note that I am speaking about my step-brother who is a year younger than I am, *NOT* my half-brother who is 11 years my junior; this distinction is important). I don't really remember the excuse he gave and honestly at the time I didn't really care.
We were never all that close. We had very little in common other than the marriage of our individual parents. He was a trouble-maker, a pathological liar, always causing drama, every few years getting a new girl pregnant, never could hold a job, still lived with his mom; you get the picture. To say that I am his opposite is a vast understatement. He liked to blame all of his issues on the fact that he was adopted (old school closed adoption in the 70s), but I know plenty of adoptees who would take issue with him using that as an excuse to be a fuck-up. People will find excuses for whatever they want, wherever they want.
A few weeks after our reception, he came to my mom and step-dad's home to eat dinner with them and "talk". He told this very convoluted story about him "accidentally" trying to have sex with a minor child (in the family). My mom said the whole time he was talking to them, all of it seemed plausible (he is a pathological liar, after all). But after he left, going over the details in her mind, it just didn't make a lot of sense. She called his (then) wife, who told her the truth. She called the victim, who told her the truth. She chose to believe them, not him.
He had, in fact, orchestrated a series of events, to end up alone with this child. And then tried to have sex with the child. This all had occurred three years prior, but the child had just found the courage (and the voice) to tell someone. His wife was leaving him. A nuclear bomb went off in our family. My mom called him and lit into him about ruining our family and that she was done. None of us have seen or spoken to him since, though we try to maintain relationships with his ex-wife and his children (at least the ones we can see; 4 baby mamas makes it difficult).
The victim's parents had not pressed charges. He didn't have to go to jail. He didn't even have to admit to anyone what he did. When the preacher in his church brought his divorce before his men's group, it was under the guise of him "making a mistake" that he couldn't repair in his marriage. Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to call him out. I wanted to post flyers on every car in the church parking lot with his photo on it. CHILD MOLESTER. I wanted his shame written across every public space he could possibly come in contact with children. But I was not his victim. Putting him on blast, would also put his victim's shame in the spotlight (at the time). I had nightmares about it, but it was not my place to speak for someone else's pain.
He was banished from our side of the family. He has disappeared from our family before (thanks to a different set of lies and circumstances), but this was permanent. Maybe he didn't realize that, but we did. Since he had disappeared before, it took a few years for extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) to notice that he hadn't come around for the holidays in a while. My mom and step-dad were ashamed of him and what he did. But they finally came to a place of honesty with the family so they would quit asking about him.
A couple of years ago, one of his children posted something on Facebook that disturbed me to the core. It was a smiling photo of my step-brother, his new girlfriend, and her children (two daughters) and a caption about moving into their new place together. Alarms went off in my head. He must have lied to her about why half of his family doesn't speak to him. He must have lied to her about what happened, or completely omitted what he did. There's no way she knows the truth and allows him to live under the same roof with her babies. No way.
I struggled with what to do. I wanted to write her a letter, but I also didn't want to get involved. Again, I was not the victim. And again his abominable behavior was hidden. I tried to put it out of my mind, but the guilt about not telling this woman what he really is was overwhelming. I would want someone to tell me if I were her, I would want to know the truth. But I am not her. I remained silent and stuck in the place of not really knowing how to handle it.
It has recently come to light that this woman is marrying him. And not only that, but she has been told the truth about what happened. The gory, painful truth directly from the victim's mouth, and from his ex-wife. And her nonchalant response? "Well, I had something similar happen to me." You had something similar happen to you, and you don't think enough of your daughters to protect them from the same fate? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.
How many people in your life (men and women) have told you of being abused as children? How many of their abusers were family? How many abusers never had to pay for it or even admit it? And this person, this gentle soul who's childhood was marred with unspeakable horror, just has to live with it? And try to make a life after it? And try to overcome the shame, and hurt, and learn to trust people while on shaky ground (at best) for the rest of their lives? And there this abuser is, just walking through life with the ability to do it again and again, and just left to the assumption that the next victim (and the next, and the next) will just swallow their shame down and sweep those deeds under another rug to be hidden forever?
You know, I am a big proponent of therapy. And I have the belief that any person can choose (or not choose) wellness and progress. I do believe in the possibility of rehabilitation for someone who has molested a child. But that will never happen if they never have to see a therapist, or even admit what they did, or acknowledge that it was wrong. The cycle will just continue.
I no longer have to live the with guilt of not telling this woman about what he did. I don't have to warn her because she has been warned. Now I sit in the uncomfortable reality of the choice this woman is making, despite every indication not to. I absolutely cannot understand why any person would knowingly put their child in this fucked-up situation just to be in a relationship with a man. And I never will.
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